A.C. - October Falling
It is a blustery day and I am on call, at the hospital, on a Sunday. I have kids waiting at home and we should bake something and I should finish the laundry and clean up the dining room table and we should all go outside for a walk and there is so much to do... and I feel stretched thin, like it is really impossible to get it all done. Yesterday, I had a great day with the girls. We went to the post office and then to the book store... we saw Daddy at the Granada and then to DQ for lunch. We made it to Hobby Lobby and then Grandma's - and everything was GREAT. But I was tired and feeling guilty because I was eating like crap and the girls were whining and I felt beaten down by the time I got home... and somehow, after such an amazing day, I ended up being in the WORST MOOD.
That sucked. Not just for me, but for everyone. I brought everyone down and it was not nice and I had no idea how to get myself out of it. I had a nice talk with Russ before bed - and he mentioned to me that maybe I am just a bit too hard on myself and I want to perfect and amazing at everything, and no one is really perfect and amazing at everything. WHY DO I DO THAT TO MYSELF? I want to be the best surgeon and the best mom and the best wife ... and I join a shampoo business and I want to be best at that.... and I want, want, want.... and STILL - I am left wanting and not entirely satisfied. WHAT am I looking for with all of that? WHAT do I think being the "best" will get me? WHY cannot I not just be content, with being a mom and being home and not having to have the next thing or do the next thing.... and just enjoy my kids.
Most of the time, I do just enjoy them. But times like yesterday, I was just feeling irritated with the house and the mess and the whining and my husband and the ridiculous dog who won't just lay nicely at our feet and tears through the house like a banshee. I just wanted it all to be easy and sweet and perfect - but I know, that even if it all was, I would not be content in that moment. Because the malcontent was within myself. It wasn't my husband or my kids or the silly dog... because all of that is perfect, even when it isn't. They are all the lights of my life and I cannot ask them to be different - I don't WANT THEM TO CHANGE anything for me. I need to look deep inside myself. Was I irritated with myself - that I ate a giant double cheeseburger for lunch? Or that I myself made that mess on the table? Why didn't I take the time to exercise, instead of running through town all day.
I have to LEARN... I am powerful. I can control what happens in my brain... I can control what my thoughts are and how I react to the world, my kids, my husband, that dang dog. I can make things SPIN in a manner that speaks to my GRATITUDE, instead of exasperation and irritation.
I. Must. Practice.
Every day.
I am still learning in this post cancer body about how to just BE. I am always moving right now, but not always making headway. I think also, I should practice being STILL and enjoying the quiet.
To be continued.....