Day 40
Dear, dear sweet Merus~
There are not enough words for me right now. It seems, as the days march on, my temper flares and my feelings are raw and often, I get tired and I just feel like I cannot offer you the good mothering that I once was able to muster. These days, I am mostly good at snuggling on the couch and reading Harry Potter out loud before bed, followed by a tight hug as you drift off to sleep. Somedays, everything is too much and I shout and I might even cry... I feel sad sometimes that I am tired and that I am dealing with this crappy cancer treatment and I wonder how it feels, as a kid, to have your MOM going through all of this... and I hope that you are really ok. I ask you a lot - 'are you ok?' and I have never heard you say no... but I want to tell you, FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE (ha!) - it is ok to say no sometimes... because sometimes, none of us are ok.
I had a mini meltdown tonight... again (sigh). Your sisters were screaming in the car... and it was almost 8 pm and I was exhausted from a full day in the office and well, pretty tired of telling 37 people that no, my hair is not a fashion statement and that yes, I am fighting breast cancer.. but probably (!), I am going to be ok. I was spent and Ellis hurt my feelings, saying she didn't want Mommy... and Margaux was wiping her infected eye juice all over my face, and I am getting ready for chemo on Thursday... and I was just tired... and all of a sudden, I snapped and turned off the music and shouted and told you all I was going to just cry... and I almost did.
But Merus, your sweet voice from the back of the car calmed me. Right now, your gentle spirit and kind words and simple hugs makes me still inside and the angry rants melt away and I am reminded instantly of what love is.
You are my first girl. You made me a mother. We were inseparable those first years and I never knew - I NEVER KNEW- that I could love so fiercely. I never wanted to put you down. I couldn't even sleep without you near.. and I was so entirely thrilled and moved and surprised that you loved me back- unconditionally, it seemed... for there were days when I was, even then, failing.
Now, you are 10. You are on the verge of young womanhood... you are maturing physically and emotionally. You are still the sweet Merus, but I see the young woman you will be in flashes more and more these days. The thing that I see most in you is kindness.
Tonight, as we were laying in your bed (after the bedtime battle with Ellis)... you told me that you love to come home and be with me. You told me that even, sometimes, when you have overnights at Grandma's, when I leave, you feel almost like you might cry, because you miss me already... and I told you I feel the same way. Ohhhhh, Merus... I know it's wrong of me to feel so glad - but this made my heart sing. You see, moms so rarely hear from their kids that they are doing a good job... and this - THIS- made me feel like I am doing at least a tiny little something maybe a little bit right.
You clasped my hand in yours and laced my arms around your shoulders and you laid down your curly head of hair on the pillow and we were quiet... and I was so struck by the magnificent honor it is to be your mom. Even at 10 years old, you still love me. Despite my bald head and my tantrums and shouts, you want to comfort me and love me and help me feel less hopeless. I feel like you are helping me be stronger... and I am so very grateful for you.
Thank you for being a miracle in my life... thank you for your gentle and kind spirit... your sparkling blue eyes that light up when you see me and that twinkle when you tell me something funny. Thank you for the laughter that you bring to our home and the beautiful way you have with your sisters, loving them and guiding them.
I am so blessed to have you... I promise you - I will be better as a mother to you... and I will get better physically, too... so when I am stronger in my body, I will be stronger in my soul then too... and we can just carry on with the adventure that is life, instead of being ruled by this fear of death. I choose life. I choose joy. I choose to laugh and play and run and talk and bake and snuggle with you. I choose you and I would choose you again and again and again.
You amaze me every day... and I love you more than you could ever possibly understand. You are my sweet heart, a part of my own body and blood, walking this earth, becoming your own. I am so very proud and thrilled to be a part of your world.
Let's keep doing this together, yes?
Sleep tight, my love... xoxoxoxo
Momma
