Day 9
On any other day, in my old life- Friday was a celebratory day. The end of the work week would herald a time of great excitement in the house. The girls would come home from school or Grandma's and we would all huddle on the couch and share snacks on the kitchen floor... and we would make plans for the weekend. We would plan to go to St. Louis... or to the pumpkin patch... or to WalMart and maybe the park. We would settle in to the evening and do our life stuff and just enjoy being together.
Since the night of September 1st, I have been distracted. Filled with worry and angst and fear.... trying to manage being MOTHER and also, being a patient and trying to get a handle on my own health, disease, illness, diet and the lifestyle - or syndrome of un-health- that had led me to "cancer" in the first place. At the same time, I was still trying to give the kids a semblance of "normalcy"... I still put them to bed each night. I still had to go to work and plan for my treatment and then plan for my surgery and then manage my healing... and then manage my drains and my pain and my activtiy and then finally, recently, manage my chemotherapy and how I would do after that.
These last few days, I feel like I have surfaced from the badness of that first chemo treatment. I am ravenous. I am walking every day and feeling the life and the strength return in my body. I still have a crazy dry mouth and a metallic taste... I have tiny sores in my mouth that bother me... I still have pain and tightness where my breasts used to be - and I am aware of the tissue expanders in there, that are not natural and are stretching out the muscle over the top of them. Yesterday, I got a new haircut. But overall, over the last few days, I feel more like me than I have in soooo long. It is nice... but also - I SEE SO CLEARLY how easy it is for me to just fall back into old patterns. I had a salad "bowl" yesterday.. and it turned out, it had rice in it.... That rice tasted so good.... and I ate every morsel and every grain... (and I didn't die)... funnily enough, today, I was craving sweets again... and tonight, I had several handfuls of trailmix with chocolate covered almonds and tiny chocolate chips... (and I didn't die...) and it seems like I so easily could just go back to eating whatever tastes good... and I just know that is not good for me... not good for this body and is not the radical change that I need.... I KNOW that this life, this body, requires a radical change to get better and stay better and avoid any recurrence... In fact, even though I know it will be hard, I want to do the radical thing and find health and do amazing things in my life with this body.
But the radical thing is hard.... and it will take sacrifice... more than I have been willing to do. I have to get straight... what am I willing to change.. to do... to fight for... to have what kind of life, what kind of result....
I guess I am still not sure.
Today, was an ordinary Friday. I got up late with the girls. We all cuddled on the couch, since school was out. We did a craft. We had bacon for breakfast... I watched some t.v and went for a walk and we took them to the jump house. We were a family. It was a quiet day. But I didn't do anything for my health today, other than make a phone call and write some supplements down on a piece of paper. I feel like I have been weary of this journey - and I need to re-energize myself on the journey. A lifestyle change can't be just a knee-jerk reaction to a diagnosis, and then slow slip and slide back to where I started. I have to do some real changing here... some hard looking and some real analysis and planning. I know I have reason to do it.... It is now just the doing...
Today, on an ordinary Friday... I did almost no thinking about my disease, my diagnosis, my situation. It was a relief... but a temporary one. I still have so much work to do.... and I will.
But when, and how, and the details all remain to be seen. I am still clearly in flux, maybe in a little denial. I don't know how I can get any more clear of a message for the need to change than a cancer diagnosis... but still, I resist.
I think I need to look more deeply at that....
Right now, there is a certain three year old, who is still awake, tapping on my shoulder, rubbing my back, asking me to play. I am going to do that.... and think later.
Good night to this Friday...