Day 64
The name of this blog is 64 days of chemo. As of today, I have made it 64 days. I am still alive. I started so fearfully, so terrified of the unknown. I have changed so drastically, both physically and emotionally, in 64 days... I am a different person now, but still me, deep inside. It is the end of the 64 days... and now, a beginning of a new life... a new body... a new attitude.
Although, all of that sounds nice... but really, it takes something HUGE to get me to change. When I was a young girl, I hated to go on trips. I wanted to stay home, stay where I was comfortable. I didn't want adventure, I wanted routine and safety. I have changed much of that since I have been an adult... (I surely love my adventure and trips, now) ~ but at the very heart of me, I still cling to what I know... cling to what is easy and comfortable for me. Change is hard... and this has been catastrophic change. So pardon me, while I take a moment to gather myself and see what I am truly capable of changing.
I know I need to exercise. I actually like exercise and I make time for it when I have no other commitments. The tricky part is to make time for it when there isn't excess time... to take a stand for health and push out something that doesn't serve me as well, and add in the thing that does. This will take some doing. I MIGHT have to wake up early. That is not my favorite thing, nor is it easy for me. I will have to go to sleep earlier to ensure I am rested and that is even harder. This will be a big task.
The second thing, is the food. Christmas has come and gone and out the window has my diet flown. Cookies and bread and sugar still are lingering in my home and for so long I resisted, but right now, not so much. I am doing a bit better these last few days, but ohhhh... a bit of chocolate here and there won't hurt, will it? Well, yes... it will.... and not because one piece of chocolate will kill me... but because one leads to two and after two, I lose control and lose count and then I may as well have that piece of toast and bowl of cereal... and what is another cookie when I have entirely lost control of the day, the week, the month? I MUST do better. I was so fearful in the beginning that my life was hanging in the balance... it just doesn't seem as urgent now... but I know it is. And I have to find a way to better.
I also need to find a way to tap into my spirituality. I may be able to do some of that here.... but I need a short meditation or mantra to do every day, to center me... to remind me to breathe and slow down... to be grateful... to find grace... to be strong... to TRUST... to find a connection with God, my higher power... whatever it may be. I want to let go of skepticism and find some faith, however it may look. This also will be a big task for me.
Today, I was calm inside. I was so proud of my little "ringing the bell" video... I posted it all over the place and it was nice to watch it over and over today, reminding myself I am now on the other side of chemo. I still have days of recovery ahead of me... but how nice to not have to count down the days until I go back. I had a lovely long sleep last night, waking up late and snuggling a bit with the girls this morning. I drove myself to St Louis today, for my Vit C... and I got some things done while doing that... ordered my DNA analysis kit, ordered some supplements, got Merus some pjs. I drove right back home then, listening to the Messiah all the way home... the Messiah reminds me of Christmases past, at home, with my mom and dad, dancing around the living room, with my whole life ahead of me. Everything about my life then is a hazy blur to me now... I know I was happy... but it seems just a storyline that helped me to where I am now. Such a strange thing to think back 35 years ago to when I was 12... I barely remember anything. I think that's strange that I just don't remember much.
Anwyway, once I got home, I threw on my sweats and jacket and grabbed Merus and we had a nice little walk... just about 20 minutes, but enough to get my blood pumping and we talked a mile a minute. She was so happy to see me and I was thrilled to get a short minute with just her and me. It seems, a neighborhood cat has adopted the girls, since I set out a bowl of milk for it on Christmas day. Merus wanted to talk non-stop about this cat... and it makes me so happy to see her excited. We talked for 20 minutes about cats... and I was happy to do it.
We had dinner and then watched a movie... Ellis had a meltdown half way through, since we weren't watching HER movie... and Margaux fell asleep in my lap. Finally, we carried them all upstairs and Merus and Ellis fell alseep together in Merus' bed. Now, everyone is asleep and I am tap-tapping at the keys and just listening to the sleep sounds of the house.
It has been a good and quiet day.
Tomorrow is the eve of a new year. We will stay home. In the afternoon, we will build a giant bonfire and I am going to burn some cancer-stuff, and make an intention of health for the new year. I might burn some sage, if I can find it. I am going to plan a nice dinner and a sparkling juice toast with all the girls and maybe some confetti and a dance party.... We might even get a tiny bit dressed up. (or we might stay in pjs...) Either way, it will be a beautiful thing for me to turn the page on this year. I am not angry about 2016... but I am not sad to see it go. I am ready to take back my life. I am ready to let go of the need to control everything and just enjoy each moment that is given to me. I am ready to change what I can to be healthy, but to TRY and PRACTICE to just go with the flow and live soulfully and lovingly... and not have to squeeze so much out of each day.... but just love what happens naturally.
I am hoping to enrich the relationships I have, mostly with my family... and nurture the relationship I have with myself... that has been last for years... so taking some time for that will be new and a challenge, but I know is necessary.
So just one more day of 2016. Ready to welcome a new year tomorrow night.
Cannot wait to see what that new year brings. Praying for some magical moments and for health and love and joy and peace... praying to make it through.
