Day 61
Today was my first day back on call since my own cancer surgery... my first day taking it all on, being "the one" responsible for all of ortho... the first time carrying a beeper since September, seeing consults and doing my rounds in the hospital. I started the day early, leaving the house before 7 to do a case, and then doing a full clinic day, and then later, lingering at the hospital, seeing more consults and working late into the evening, waiting (and waiting) on anesthesia to do yet another case. It was a long day, but I was grateful to do be there. I felt the rhythm of the OR come back to me, the swift and confident motions feeling right. It felt good and I was SO happy to be back in my skin, to be helping others and to be doing the dance that has become so familiar over the years, but something that the last 3 months, has seemed to be lost to me somehow. I have lost something, with this cancer... I had lost the feeling of DOING amazing things and I have been overcome with the feeling of being swept along by a tide more powerful than me... I have felt powerless and fearful... and today, being in the OR and being in control and assuming the directorship of the flow of the OR, I felt I regained a tiny bit of power in my life again. I was not a victim today, I was not a cancer patient today, although I wore my cancer hat to work. I was a surgeon today, and over the top of my cancer hat, I wore a surgeon's cap and no one knew any different as I wore my scrubs and surgical goggles and I did the work to FIX people today.
It is not just about the power of being a surgeon. I helped a friend today. I worked on a young man, younger than me, this morning and his MRI showed no tear. I looked and looked at at MRI - and despite what it showed, I knew that he had one and I took him to surgery anyway. My heart was beating hard, when I opened his knee this morning. When I saw his tendon intact and still attached to the top of his patella, my heart sank and I was sure I had made a mistake, taking him to surgery DESPITE a normal MRI... but then, I took just a bit more time and I dissected a bit higher up ~ and SURE ENOUGH, his tendon and muscle were torn to shreds and I felt like I had conquered the world. I WAS RIGHT! I had made a diagnosis and I had determined what the right thing was for this patient and I had listened to my gut and it was the correct thing to do... and I spent the next hour and a half, working to do fix this complicated problem. How gratifying this was... and what a victory, for the patient and for me.
This afternoon, after spending a full day in the office, I was set to work on a little old lady who had broken her hip.... but it wasn't just any "little old lady". It was a friend's grandma, who had called me the day before, in tears and asking for my help. I talked to that grandma and held her hand, and told her I was going to help get her fixed and feeling better. And later, after hours and hours of her being without food or drink, the granddaughter came out to the desk, in tears again, telling the nurses that her Grandma was confused and was she ok??? The nurses and I reassured her - this was common, but to calm her fears, I hugged her tight and told her I would do my best to take care of her.... and it was so nice to have a human connection, with my friend, and also have a skill that I could use to help her grandma feel better.
It was a tough case... I knew it would be, looking at the x-ray and seeing her round hips. I had a new x-ray tech and it had been 3 months since my last hip nail. We got it done and again, I was proud. It took longer than normal.. but how amazing to have this skill to be able to help people in a profound way. It really does fill me up in a way that nothing else does. I feel blessed to be able to do what I do, every day.
I finally arrived home, tired, but sated at 10 pm. Two sweet girls (one couldn't keep her eyes open) greeted me with hugs and love and my husband had dinner on the table for me in a matter of minutes.
My day was complete and I was delighted to be home, to take off the day's clothes and to put on my mom hat and get warm and cozy with my family. It was a day of re-awakening for me... but still, when all is said and done, my family is what drives all of it. I am most grateful for them, for the love the waits for me at the end of the day... it makes what I do even better, for I can come home and tell them stories and know that as I help people and do the work, I am providing for them a place to sleep and food to eat ... and more so, I am showing my girls that women can be strong and can do amazing things... women can be surgeons and mothers and they can do it while wearing cancer hats and they can survive and thrive and make a difference every day.
I want them to know, it is ok to be strong. It is ok to be smart and to do great things and it is ok to have days when you feel like you kicked ass and it is ok to SHINE... I don't want any one of these girls ever to feel embarrassed for being GOOD at something... for doing a great job. It is important to be modest... but it is also important to be proud of who they are. I hope they are learning that, even just a little bit, as they grow up, watching their momma work as an orthopaedic surgeon, fight cancer, come home and be a mom... and love them fiercely, with all that I have in me.
Today was a good day.