Day 60
Come sit awhile
I see the fear behind your eyes
The baggage you are carrying
Come step inside and sit awhile
And set aside your pain.
For here is laughter, tears and love,
A time to live and breathe.
Lay down your burden,
Come sit a while
And learn to smile again.
You’ve travelled down a long, hard road
Now lay your baggage down.
Leave all your worries at the door
And smooth your furrowed brow.
Come sit awhile
And for this moment allow yourself to be
The person you have always been
Alive, right here, right now.
Come Sit Awhile
~ John Francis
We had a glorious couple of Christmas days... days of cooking and eating and celebrating and giving... days of staying up late and prepping into the wee hours and then waking up to squeals of delight from the girls and playing long into the early twilight hours, wearing Christmas pjs and snacking on chocolates. It was magical and I don't regret a single dollar spent or a minute of the staying up until 3 am.
It will be a Christmas I will remember for a very long time.... forever, really. It was extra precious to me, because of the fear that still resides in me, deep inside, that I won't get many more.
I am going back to work tomorrow. Tuesday and Wednesday of work, and then, Thursday... Thursday is chemo day and it is my last one... my last day to pull on those pink shoes and to snap pictures of my day... my last day to do all of this... and then we get on with life and "wait and see" and try to live this new normal life.
I feel like I am not ready for the rest-of-my-life. I am getting to be a pro at this treatment thing. I am positive and I smile. I am "fighting" to live. But once treatment is over, then how do I continue to "fight", how do I continue my life, without being paralyzed with fear every time I get a headache or a sore back???
I think, of course, it is a process. But I am not sure I will ever be ok. I am not sure I will ever be fear-less, free of fear.
I am ready to try, though. I am ready to do my best to move my body and free my mind and cleanse the LIFE of all the toxins and do what I can to embrace health and start anew.
This blog was designed to document my 64 days. I only have a few of those days left. But what is really clear to me, now, nearing the end, is that the REAL STORY starts after the chemo is complete and the LIVING and the celebrating of life and all its intricacies and delicacies occurs in the small moments of every day. So, I think, at least for now, the blog will live on, to help me think and listen to myself and to document my progress and growth.
I cannot believe that there are only 4 more days... and then a new life, a new start, a new body, and a couple days later, a new year.
A new normal... not all good, but not all bad either. I will take the bad, for the bad means I am still here. I just want to live longer, to live well, to live purposefully and joyfully and mindfully... to live to see my children grow... to love them as much as my heart and my soul can endure and as much as they will allow me to love.
At the end, then, there is always just love.
... the three little loves of my life.