Day 56
A good friend, and fellow breast cancer warrior, named Christy died of her cancer on the night before my bilateral mastectomy surgery. She was 40 years old and had a 4 year old little girl at home, named Lilly.
During my surgery and recovery, my chemo and my fight to get better, I have constantly had Lilly and her mom, Christy in my thoughts. Of course, I am terrified that if Christy could die so quickly and savagely from this awful disease, then so could I. But I also think about sweet Lilly... and how she probably doesn't understand why her mommy isn't home with her anymore. She probably barely remembers her mom now, 3 months later... I hope she has videos... and pictures... and I hope her Grandma and Grandpa don't let her forget... but I am so sad for sweet Christy who left the world too soon, without getting to see her girl grow... and for Lilly, who is going to have to navigate her life, without her mommma, who loved her most of all.
I am meeting with Lilly tomorrow and bringing her some Christmas gifts. I am meeting her Grandma Diana and bringing her a card for Christy's memory tree... something for her to pass on to Lilly and for her to know her mom was loved.
I bought this necklace... the picture at the top is that of a mother, holding her child... and the mother's hair is one with this incredible tree ~ I think, the tree of life... and on the back of this pendant, reads this..
"I am Always with you...
Be Brave...
have courage....
and Love Life"
I have no idea if Christy ever got to say good-bye to her daughter. I don't know, if I were ever in her shoes, if I could do it... but I know - like I really KNOW IN MY BONES that if I had to say something, I would say something to my daughters like that above.
I would want them to know I would always be a part of them, for they grew under my heart and my blood was theirs. I would want them to know that a part of my heart, my body, my soul would always pulse within theirs. I would want them to know that once I was gone, it would be ok for them to go on with their lives... to be brave and to take risks and to be AMAZING.... it would be so important to me that they knew that they should LIVE... and LIVE well, in spite of them sometimes being sad that I wasn't there right next to them anymore.
Maybe they would wear this pendant, and think of me.
I got three of these for my girls, this year... not for Christmas, but for them to have forever... in case I go... in case something happens and I can't tell them. And I got one for Lilly too.
Here is my letter to Lilly.
Dear Lilly~
I am so sad, like so many other people, that your sweet Mom left this world so soon. I am sure you miss her a lot - and I know your Grandma and Grandpa and Dad sure do miss her. I was one of her friends who worked with her at the Surgery Center- and I miss her a lot too.
I didn't get a chance to talk to your mom, really talk to her, before she died. So I don't know FOR SURE what she would say to you, right now... but this is what I DO KNOW. I know, from the moment that she knew she was having a baby, that she loved you. She longed for you and she was so incredibly grateful for you. During her pregnancy with you, she was always so HOT during surgery... but she never once complained. She just laughed and asked the circulating nurse to wipe the sweaty drops from her forehead. Once you came, we all could see that she was so in love with you... and you were the sweetest and most gorgeous little baby. I had my twins when you were still little, I think just 8 months old.... so your mom and I had SO much to talk about. We swapped stories about night time wakings and bottle feedings and diapers and teeth. We both celebrated when you and then later my girls took FIRST STEPS and ate real food and then starting TALKING and even later, potty training. Every time I saw your mom, I asked about you... and she lit up and her smile brightened the room when she said your name. She loved you so very much.
I am going through breast cancer treatment, right now myself.... and I saw this pendant, and I thought right away of you and your mom. The momma on the pendant is holding her baby tight, and protecting her from the world... and yet, the momma's hair is big and wild and actually seems to be a PART of the world... so to me, it looks like the mom is not only protecting her girl, but also introducing her girl to the beauty that is in store for her in the world, as well. On the back of the pendant, it reads, " I am Always with you"....
That is a powerful thing... for when your mom dies, I am sure there are days when you will feel lonely.. when you will feel that she is NOT there... you might even be angry. Just know... you grew inside her body. You started as just 2 tiny cells and then, INSIDE YOUR MOM'S BODY, your cells divided and you became a tiny embryo and you attached to your mom's placenta and because of the flow of blood and fuel and life and energy between you and your mom, you grew to be a beautiful and strong and gorgeously-formed little baby, who came out into the world. The only reason you are alive and who you are today, is because of the biological and chemical connection between you and your Mom... and that will always be with you... no one or nothing, not even death, can change that for you.
It is ok to be sad about losing her... but the next lines on the pendant, I think, remind me of what she would say to you, Lilly.
Be Brave....
Have courage....
Live Life....
Your mom wanted the best for you. She loved to pick out beautiful dresses for you... she wanted you to have gorgeous photos of you, to remember you as you were growing up. She would not want you to just sit inside and be sad. I am sure she wants you to do your best, and learn to read and to think and to go to school and do the best you can. She wants you to jump and play and make friends and to be happy. I think, probably, her greatest wish would be for you to have a long and healthy and happy life.
I hope, in years to come, this pendant means something to you... I bought three for my three girls... and I am writing a letter like this to them... in case I never get to tell them.
You are loved, just like my sweet girls are loved... you can do and be and create ANYTHING that you dream of, in your own life. You mom is always with you, and I know she would be SO PROUD of you, as you keep growing and doing and becoming MORE.
All the people in your life are proud of you, too. We cannot wait to see what you do.
Merry Christmas, Lilly.
Stay strong. Never forget how amazing you are.
Never forget how much you were (and are) loved.
Never forget.
xoxoxo