Day 55
I am part of a physician mom and cancer survivor Facebook group. 222 members, all doctors, all moms.. all strong and incredible and resilient women in various stages of cancer diagnosis, treatment, recovery and survivorship... it is quite an honor to be in the group... and the women provide me and other people in the group such support and insight in a unique and powerful way. Each woman has dealt (or is dealing) with her own cancer journey. Some of these women are Stage IV... terminal. They will die of their disease. But they are still living, still feeling and trying and mothering and HOPING. They inspire me.
Today, I was invited to be the Holiday Host for December posting. I wrote the post below. I was worried that it would sound trite, especially to the women who are in the process of dying. But it is true to where I am today... and I got some good feedback. And who can resist a picture of beautful babies?
🎄❤️🎄Holiday host post 🎄❤️🎄
I have loved reading all the posts and learning more about each of you... so thanks for that.
This holiday, I am in the midst of treatment. I found my lump on 9/1 and mammo on 9/7... I remember seeing that bright ovoid mass on the images that the mammo tech showed me, and thinking "... that little thing?"... but the next day, when I called the pathologist myself, asking for results, I was actually not surprised ( but not really surprised ) to hear it was breast cancer.
Now, 3 months post surgery and with just one chemo cycle to go, I am a different woman than I was.... and not just because I no longer have hair or breasts ... I am more awake to the blessings of my life, more aware of the suffering and pain of others and more empathic to those struggling and alone. I am more grateful for the good times and the love that abounds in my life ... and I am so much more acutely aware that this life is so precious and every day, right now, is a gift.
I love Christmas. I grew up with Catholic parents and going to Catholic school... I didn't like all the ritual and rules of the mass and the church ( and the absence of women in Catholicism )... but the FAMILY rituals and traditions at Christmas made me so warm and happy as a child - and I treasure those now as a mother too. One of my favorite things, as a kid and now with my kids, is getting a set of Christmas pjs on Christmas Eve and wearing them to bed ... something magic about that for me.
This picture - with my 3 girls in their pjs on Christmas Day- was taken 3 yrs ago. I had asked my husband to take it with his "good camera"... and it is just my most favorite picture on the planet ... what you see are 3 gorgeous girls, twin babies at just 9 months old with their big sister, watching over them, awestruck by the simplest white lights...
What you don't see is the heartache of the 5 years before ~ of two miscarriages and the dark days of secondary infertility... you don't see the black bags under my eyes as I agonized through that twin pregnancy, worrying the babies wouldn't be alive at the next ultrasound.... hoping and praying they would just be ok.
These girls have brought me the greatest joy, on the day of their birth and every day after ... and I just remember that first Christmas, feeling so grateful for how far we had come.
I am feeling similarly now. In the middle of cancer treatment, I am sometimes rageful, and sometimes sad beyond words, and most recently I am weary of the whole thing. ... but most often I find myself going back to gratitude ... I am so grateful for my kids... how far I have come to get them here ... my husband and how he agreed to walk the precarious and difficult path with me to be a family and fight to have more kids after the losses ... and how NOW- when I am poignantly aware that life is not ever guaranteed, my kids and my family have rallied around me and we are busy living life and loving each other and making Christmas memories to last the rest of all of our lifetimes, despite cancer ... without regard to cancer.
Cancer freaking sucks ... I would never wish the fear it brings to anyone... but what I wish for all of you is a moment of deep gratitude this time of year, for all the love in your heart and all the joy and laughter and sweet moments that you experienced because of your journey. Grab those moments and drink them in.... let them take away the fear and fill you up with peace and light, even if just for a second ...
Thank you ALL for the love and support and wisdom you all share with each other. Thank you for being part of a group that helps hold each other up when we are at our lowest and most vulnerable. Thank you for allowing me the privilege to walk with you as well.
Wishing you all HEALTH and happiness in a profound way in the year (( and many years !)) to come.
xo