Day 5
Today is post chemo day 4... apparently, between days 3 and 7, these are the worst days. I definitely am feeling awful. I am exhausted. I am nauseous. I am sad. But I also can't tell if I am just feeling SO INCREDIBLY WEARY at this point of the journey. I am TIRED of thinking about "cancer" all the time. I am TIRED of waiting to see how I will feel in the morning, if I will pass out when I jump out of bed in the middle of the night to reach the girls when they call. I am TIRED - so. incredibly. tired.- of watching every morsel of food and not enjoying eating anymore and being worried that maybe that Atkins bar is keeping my cancer alive, because of the carbs.. ((but they are sugar alcohols... so it shouldn't be TOO bad... should it???)) ~~ and ohhhh- what I wouldn't give for a loaf of French bread and a round of brie, with a beautiful glass of wine... and then, I think, - I don't think I would enjoy it anyway.
I am weary. I don't want to be strong or gracious. I don't want to be the "face of cancer"... I don't want to be "inspiring"... I just want it gone and I want to get on with my life and find a way to have balance and laughter and light again.
Instead - I am lifting my heavy head off the pillow and dragging myself up the stairs, to wake the girls for school. Today- I simply couldn't bear to do it and I just left the little girls sleeping and I decided I didn't want the battle. It was a school day for them... but I couldn't bear the fight... so I left them slumbering as light just barely glanced their rooms.
I got Merus to school - and then came home and laid right back down on the couch. Margaux came to me, several times, and laid her little head on my shoulder... and Ellis just spun around, as soon as she knew she was free from school. I took a Zofran, waited for Debbie to come, took a shower and got in the car for our day's trek to St Louis...
I know I should be VISUALIZING success. I know I should be thinking POSITIVELY... and I know I need to do the work and get through all of this to get to the other side... But actually - the thing that keep ringing in my brain is HOW ENTIRELY PISSED OFF I WILL BE IF I DO ALL THIS now and THIS CANCER SHIT COMES BACK.... Oh my God- it makes me want to vomit...
So I carry on. I make it through the day. I take my pills - and I miss some pills- and I eat and drink and rest my head at the end of the day.
Today- instead of being ENTIRELY consumed by my own situation- we had Halloween. I got the girls dressed and we got them to school and we did the Trunk or Treat... and instead of doing my own make-up and trying to feel pretty, I threw on a pair of cat ears on.... the girls loved it and they were excited that "mommy is dressing up too!" I held their hands and guided them through the crowds and everyone ooooohed and ahhhhhed at their cuteness (( because, yes, they were adorable...))- and we even went over to see their cousins.... and then, once we were home, I collapsed again on the couch and retreated again inside....
I feel the pain in my bones... I thought I was sore from our walk the other day- but this is a deep throbbing pain that shoots into all of my bones... I guess, it's from the bone marrow- being shut off by the chemo - and then being turned back on by the need for blood cells.... and oxygenation. I feel pains in my pelvic bones and femurs, metatarsals and lumbar spine... and I fear that pain.... because it could just be myelosuppression... but it could also be mets... and well - that would pretty much be the end of me.... and that is not what I want.
So I keep going.... keep hoping.... keep getting up and breathing and doing the things we do to keep the day afloat... and I love my husband and my girls... and we dress up for Halloween and we eat our dinner and I PRAY.... I pray for myself and my kids and my family... and my friends who are suffering as well.
For now- that is all I can do. I just breathe... and pray... practice gratitude... love my kids. Be present.
That is ALL I can do...