Day 49
It was the night of Merus' Christmas program. I got home in plenty of time. I had time to get on the treadmill and walk and sweat. I had the girls' dresses steamed and mine hung up and ready. I had time for a shower and make-up and we left the house, knowing we would be right on time. All was good.
But I was not good. I was stressed. I felt uncomfortable... raw... exposed... vulnerable. This was going to be a public event and here I was, post-chemo, wearing my cancer hat... with everyone looking... well, probably honestly not LOOKING at me, but seeing me and then KNOWING what was going on. I was anxious and I didn't want to go.
I was excited for Merus, though. She was going to announce the 4th grade and their song. She had a special dress and a gorgeous little headband... I just knew she was going to look like an angel.
So off we went.. the girls looking spectacular. Margaux was so sweet - she rubbed my head before we went and told me I looked pretty.
The program was fine... it is always pretty awful, to be honest.. but it is sweet to hear the kids sing and Merus was so happy to see us. We gathered them together after and took pictures on the stage... Santa came, but the line was long and meltdowns were happening.
Just before we left, one of our acquaintances in town came over to me... she is someone I really like, but have never spent time with. She really LOOKED at me and told me she thought I looked amazing... like I was "wearing it well" and that my eyes looked sparkling and beautiful. It was so kind... and I just wondered how on earth I can look beautiful to people... but I was grateful and she took away some of that angst of being around so many and feeling so vulnerable.
I have had several people tell me I look beautiful to them... and I wonder, is it the pain? The worry and the fear and the sudden realization that life is SO PRECIOUS that makes someone appear objectively prettier to the outside world? Or is it that people just don't know what to say, so they say "You look great!", when really I don't look great at all?
I have no idea... I don't truly want to know the reality of other's inner thoughts about me, either... it would just make me more paranoid. I DO know, though... this woman gave me a gift tonight.. she made me feel less deformed, less lonely, less embarrassed and self-conscious. She helped me stand up taller, when I was actually feeling like hiding. It was a gift of grace in an unexpected moment... and I pulled that moment close and accepted the gift with love and gratitude.
I put the girls to bed with a grateful heart tonight... grateful for her, grateful for only one more chemo to go, grateful for me amazing and lovely and LIVELY children who love me anyway and fill my soul... grateful for my life and husband and home and job... grateful for a new chance at a new life in a new year coming up....
Just.
Grateful.
