Day 46
The blues... sometimes, when you HAVE the blues, things are sad. That is how I feel these first few days after chemo... sad, lonely, empty, blue, raw, washed out... but this picture, from our trip to the beach this past August, this picture CELEBRATES the blue of the sky and the subdued blue of the ocean... and it is calming and glorious and lovely. THIS is the blue that I could sink into and breathe in... THIS is the blue that I dream about.
Of course, it is December and there is no beach here. We are plodding along in winter and everything is gray and blah. But I am planning a revolution of self - and when I think about it, when I think about my fight, I think about the vast and limitless blue of the wild and untamed and spectacularly beautiful ocean.
There is a song that I listen to, loud, on my Inspiration Playlist. It brings me to tears, almost every time. It is about claiming life, beating the odds, fighting and surviving and making noise and being COUNTED as one who will never give up.
"Like a small boat,
on the ocean,
sending big waves,
into motion...
Like how a single word,
can make a heart open...
I might only have one match,
but I can make an explosion.
All those things I didn't say
like wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream 'em out tonight
Can you hear my voice, this time....
This is my fight song,
Take back my life song,
prove I'm alright song...
My powers turned up,
Right now, I'll be strong,
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else
believes....
'cause I've still got
a lot of fight
left in me..."
I listen to this over and over... I shout... I shake and I cry and I want to fight - and yet, how can I fight something I can't see? THIS is the thing I am struggling with... I want to fight to live... I want to be strong and sing my anthem and run and shake my hand at the sky - but reality is, I am 4 days post-chemo and I am not strong today. I am unable to run or lift my body up, other than to walk for an hour, dragging and huffing and puffing.
BUT - I am proud I got my self up today. I am proud I put on my shoes and wrapped up in the cold and and walked... I am doing things that I think will be good for me. I want to find a new normal, a new way to be... a new life and put this cancer behind me and make waves... claiming my life and singing my song.
I have a long way to go... but I can see it. I can taste it. I can envision it. I hope to cross the finish line and look around and then hunker down and say, "What's next?"
This is me, right now...
I want to find an entire new life of 'What CAN I do?' - and then DO IT ALL.
This is me, right now, today...
Dreaming and planning.
xoxo