Day 41
It's the day before chemo. I have been taking my meds, doing my bowel regimen. I have my bag packed and a gift for my sweet fellow chemo friend, Karen. I have books to read, a craft to do, gum to chew, my music to listen to. I have warm socks ready and a TeamMeg shirt... some new earrings. I am as ready as I can be.
Today, scrolling Facebook, I found a site I had actually already heard about, called Myintent.org. A young man developed these bracelets, simple bracelets with a word on a washer, with cotton bracelet twine. It has gotten hot and even celebrities are wearing them. I wanted to have something for the NEXT phase of my life... beyond treatment. Something to wear, something to hold on to, a touchstone... something to base my entire new life on... a mantra... something I can build on... my new normal, my new life foundation, building more and more from the ground up, after the old life came tumbling down.
So I decided to pick some words... meaningful words that will inspire me and push me forward, yet keep me grounded and present.
My first word is TRUST.
This is a big one for me. I am a skeptic. I have been questioning everything since all of this went down. Why did it happen? What should I do? What about chemo? What about alternative treatments? I am continunally agonizing that I am not making the right choices... I have not chosen the right doctors... these are life and death choices and I have not researched enough and I am not doing enough in my life to keep the cancer from coming back... not eating right, not exercising enough... The chanting of "not enough" is a litany for me... it is my nemesis and the cancer diagnosis does not help me in this regard. BUT - in my new incarnation, I am going to TRUST... TRUST that the doctors I have asked to help me know more than I do... TRUST that the treatment is just right and is doing its work in my body. TRUST that the choices I make for me and my body are ok and are going to be just the right ones for me... TRUST myself to listen and think and analyze and be in touch with what feels right... and LISTEN to my body and TRUST it when something feels off. I have always been one to "just do it myself"... and letting go of some of this control and TRUSTing the process is going to be huge for me. I think this is important though... in being free of some of the worry and responsibility of "what did I do so wrong to get cancer"... TRUST. The idea of this thrills me.
My second word is GRACE. I have written about this before... but I see in my near future the need to live the serenity prayer. The courage to change the things I can, the acceptance to live with the things I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference. I see that GRACE will pull me through the dark times... and see that God can and will grant me moments of GRACE when I most need them. There is a leap of faith in this... and faith is where I am so lacking... but I am excited to embrace FAITH and the possibility of GRACE (and therefor the divine in me...) This, too, fills my heart and makes me happy.
Finally, I chose BE GRATEFUL
Gratitude is my new mantra. I am grateful for every moment, for when I heard "carcinoma", my life flashed before me and I saw all the lost moments that I should have been grateful for. I am going to practice BEING GRATEFUL like it is my mission in life... and it will become that. I am doing that now and it feels right and good and helps me understand that every day, every hug and kiss and smile and laugh and friend and day is precious. I am ready for BE GRATEFUL more and more every day.
Tomorrow, I go to chemo. A sweet momma friend reminded me that tomorrow is the Feast of the Immaculate Conception in the Catholic Church. She told me to pray and call on Mary for strength and blessings. I am definitely going to do that... Mary was first a mother and only later, a saint. I think Mary will understand my urgency and my worry... I want to be here for my kids... to protect and love and guide them... and then later, watch them fly away and soar... I hope she hears my prayers.
So... off we go. Only one more after this, if all goes well.
TRUST
GRACE
BE GRATEFUL....
