Day 38
I devoted an entire post to my sweet Ellis... I have to say something about sister, Margaux. She is so entirely different from Ellis. They are both smart and sassy, fiery and funny, and they both love their sisters, both their twin and the Big Sissy. But that is where the similarities end.
Ellis has always challenged me... from the beginning, she wouldn't eat... she wouldn't snuggle. I felt worried I wasn't as connected to her... I almost OVER-compensated, trying so hard to hug and snuggle Ellis as much as I could - just to make a connection and feel like we understood each other. Margaux has been my snuggle bug from the very beginning.
Margaux is a lover. She loves to love. She is empathic. She cares about how everyone in the room is doing. She thinks about what is happening with people she can't even see.
Margaux has been so incredibly sweet and gentle with me, especially since my surgery. I was worried - because before my surgery, Margaux still wanted to be carried everywhere in the house. I prepped her, and so did Russ... we talked about how Mommy had a boo boo and that made me not able to lift her for a while. When I got home, she was so tender and gentle with me, and told me that she would "hold your hand, Momma" instead of having me lift her. Every day, she would ask me if my boo boo was ok... and the day that I started to lift her in my arms again, she looked so surprised and thrilled - "ohhhh, Momma! You can lift me again? Are you all better, Momma?" She warmed my heart every day, asking about how I was doing.
She loves to snuggle too. On weekends, she will call out to me - "Momma- I am cold! I need a snuggle on the couch"... and she burrows into my left shoulder and lays her head on me and we can stay there for hours... it is my favorite thing, really. She will kiss my cheek for no reason, and murmur in my ear, "love you, Mommy"... and she will do eskimo kisses and butterfly kisses and she cries sometimes when I leave the room, even though she is already 3 and 1/2. Ohhh - and how she adores her sisters and her Grandma too. She leaps into Grandma's arms... and she throws her arms around Merus and Ellis, when they let her. She has this radiant, joyful spirit, an open book of love... and she spreads joy wherever she goes. She truly fills me up with light, and takes away the dark spaces inside me, just by being around her.
She is fierce, though... and she has the temper of a bear. She wants things JUST SO... and if someone breaks the rules, or does things that are not right in her mind, she will FIGHT to make things right... and woe to the person who makes a mistake in Margaux's world... it is a tragedy to the N-th degree and tears will fall and sometimes, screams will ensue if things are not rapidly made right. I get frustrated, sometimes, just with the precision required to get her dressed or get her meal to the table, with the pink plate and the pink fork and the pink sippy cup, "with pink milk, Momma".
She loves to ride on my back... and I love it too... the weight of her and the feel of her breath in my ear makes me feel like I have done something right. With Ellis, I often feel like I am doing something not-quite-right... and Ellis makes me want to try harder and to listen better and to be gentle with her little soul. Margaux makes me feel like I have done something well... like I have loved her well... and her sweet little voice at night, saying goodnight makes me feel so grateful for her little soul.
A short letter, then, to my sweet Margaux Elizabeth.
Sweet, sweet Margaux-
I want to say how grateful I am to you... You are just little now, and won't understand most of this, but I cannot express to you how deep my gratitude is for your joyful and sweet heart and the love you have given my in your 3 and 1/2 short years. From those first days, when you would melt into my arms and I called you Margaux Meltaway... to the days when you were a baby and you would awake early, before anyone else, and we would spend long hours in the early morning light, cuddling on the couch and playing peek-a-boo while you belly-laughed at my antics. You loved your paci and it took me so long to take it from you because I couldn't bear the thought of making you sad.
When I found out I was going to need surgery, I was most worried about you... you always wanted Mommy to carry you... and again, I was so worried you would be sad or hurt or confused why I couldn't pick you up for a while. But you were so good and understanding and sweet... and with insight beyond your years, every day, you asked me how my boo boo was doing and if I was still not able to lift you... Thank you for being so kind, even just being 3 years old. Thank you for asking about me every day, and for kissing me over and over, even when I didn't ask. Thank for you finding ways to heal my broken heart and love my raw and vulnerable self, during the days when I was most sad and most lonely. Thank you, still, for telling me every time you see my balding head, "your hair looks so cute, Mommy"... and "you are so pretty, Mommy" Thank you for choosing me and being mine.
I know sometimes, I get frustrated and impatient. Please know, that all comes from inside me. It isn't your fault. You are always a good girl... even when you do naughty things. I have to work on being more patient and more kind, even while I am guiding you to the do the right things. Please forgive me the times when I wasn't right in my own head - and I yelled or hurt you... I would never ever want to do that... yet, sometimes, I do.
I am so excited to watch you grow and see the kind of young girl you become. I love watching you learn and stretch and do new things and find your own way. I am so lucky to be your mom... and I hope I get to watch you grow for years and years, so that someday, we are the best of friends...
I love you to the moon and back.. and even more than that. You have changed me soul and made me better and stretched my heart to overflowing with gratitude. Thank you for helping me know love, deeper, wider and more powerful than I had known. Thank you for loving your sisters, too - for they are just as much a part of me as my own body... and my heart is warm, knowing all my girls are ok.
Sleep tight, sweet Margaux. Mommy is listening to the sounds of your breath and your dreams, and I will always be with you, whenever you need me, for as long as I possibly can.... I am praying to God that it is year and years and years more of love... Love love love you... my little love bug.
xoxo
