Day 37
For some reason, I am having trouble putting Ellis to bed. She won't calm down for me and I guess, my patience is at an all time low. I almost dread bedtime, now, because of Ellis. I adore this child... I love snuggling with her and playing with her through the day. She is funny and sweet and quirky and she is playful and a little delight... but she resists bedtime with a ferocity that makes me insane... and I am getting incredibly tired of the LONGGGG struggle to get her to settle and to rest. Russ has taken over - and he comes in and lays by her bed and he puts his hand on her and she knows she can't resist - so she goes to sleep... but it still takes 30-40 minutes.
I am not the mom now, nor ever have I been, that can just kiss the kid to sleep, tuck her in and then leave the room. Somehow, I feel like that is scary for them... and so I have created these little monsters myself. Even Merus, at age 10, wants me to sleep with her "the whole night" and she doesn't want to fall asleep by herself.
I am unsure why I have all of a sudden developed such impatience. Am I just all self-consumed? Am I so worried about myself and my own situation that I don't want to deal with Ellis? I don't think that's it... Is it that her sister just lays quietly down in her bed, kisses me and says good night, pulls up the covers and is alseep in 5 minutes? Is it just that I am weary from cancer and chemo and I no longer have the ability to chill out about bedtime issues? Am I just fatigued from 3 and 1/2 years now of Ellis not wanting to sleep?
I don't know... but the bedtime struggle sours the evening for me almost every night... and I am having enough trouble being positive and light and jolly as it is. I HATE that I am not able to manage this... I feel like this is something I should be able to handle smoothly... putting a kid to bed is not rocket science... but for me, right now, I am just not doing a good job.
Thank God for Russ. Thank goodness for his level head and steady hand and devotion to his girl... in return, she has definitely developed into 'Daddy's girl'... bittersweet for me... I am grateful for the help, but I WISH and LONG to be the one who she wants and needs. I am just having trouble soothing her.
So- for my own sanity... my own healing heart..... here is a letter to me sweet Ellis Kate.
Sweet Ellis~
My goodness, it is amazing to watch you grow. Since your 3rd birthday in April, you have changed so much. You are so strong and so fast and you love to charge ahead and run through the house. When I am downstairs or just getting home, I stop and listen and within minutes, I can usually hear the loud stomping and a flurry of steps from somewhere in the house, and it is typically you, streaking from one place to the other, most often with your crazy blond curls, trailing behind you in a blaze of wildness. You are an unusual child... you are fiercely independent... today, we were doing a little craft and you kept stopping me, when I went to help you, saying, "Let me do it by myself"... and when you did, you smiled so big and you were so proud. But - when you can't do it, your fire erupts and you get so frustrated so fast, sometimes the tears come (followed by the rage and maybe even some screams) and often you are running out of the room, before I can even stop to understand what is happening.
I like mornings best... you take the longest of the 3 to wake up... and when we don't have to rush, and you call out for me, sometimes you will let me hold you and cuddle in the green chair, and you put your little head on my shoulder and my heart just melts. I love also how when you get excited, you run to me and grab my hand and you have to lead me, RIGHT NOW, and show me the thing that has moved you... and your eyes light up like the sun and you sparkle from the inside.
So this thing about bedtime... I am just mystified by this. I have no idea what to do for you, my sweet, to get you to calm down... I want you to know, I adore you.. I want to do whatever I can for you... and somehow, I have failed you here. I don't know how to be calm, when you are not. I don't know how to find the right words, or the right manner, or the way to meet your spirit or soul or energy, to help you settle and to help you find a way to soothe yourself, since you aren't leaning on me to soothe you.
Your dad is good at this right now... and for that, I am grateful. I feel a loss, though... I feel like I am missing something- like I have abandoned you, somehow.. and I am sorry for that. Just know- I would never do that... You and your dad have something special right now- and I am just trying to let that grow.
I just want you to know... that I love you and think you are amazing and special and a little delight. I love seeing you run and play and learn and figure things out. I love when you are doing things, "all by myself, Momma" - but also, when I can jump in and help you, and we do it together. I will always do my best for you... but also know, sometimes, my best will not be enough... and we will need some help together to make it through. Forgive me, please, Ellis... forgive me for my failings... for the days when I shout a little or when I just can't do it. It is never your fault... never about you... it is me. I am the weak one... I am the one who has failed you. Just know, in my tears, I will try again and try harder... and maybe, when I am better and stronger in my body, I will be better and stronger for you.
I love you forever. I am changed forever because of you.... I hold you in my heart, close... for you grew and stretched and rolled and kicked, right there, directly under my heart for almost 38 weeks. I am so proud to be your momma... and so excited to see what you will do ...
Sending you kisses and hugs and a high five... and love that stretches to the moon and back...
xoxoxox
Momma
