Day 36
It is late. I have had a long day and now a long night, prepping the elf... I have been worried. I found a small chain of enlarged lymph nodes on my left (cancer resection) side in my armpit on Wednesday. Wednesday afternoon, I was convinced I was dying again and then on Thursday, I spoke with the oncology nurse and she said, "You are cured.... this VERY LIKELY isn't cancer" - but "come in if you are so worried". I decided to not go in... to wait until Thursday and see what happens. Likely, this will not change my treatment. Likely, it will all be fine. Likely, it is reactive and I was exposed to a germ (mom), or it is scar tissue, or I overdid it, lifting something, or I am rundown and not getting enough sleep or vegetables ... or something.
Of course, it could be cancer. I could actually be dying.... but I guess I don't know.
I feel disappointed in myself. I feel like I should be more positive... more "let's go kick cancer's butt" and less worried, less angsty. I feel like I should be doing my daily hour of meditation and yoga and eating only lemon-water and raw, organic, pesticide and antibiotic-free vegetables. I should be doing better with my supplements. (I should NOT be sneaking a bite or two or three of rice Krispie treats at 1 am, while wrapping presents). I had all this energy to fight cancer at the beginning, and now, like I keep saying, I am more weary... maybe a bit more jaded... more skeptical of the effect of all of these things...
Russ and I rode to St Louis today for my Vit C... on the way home, I snapped a picture of the moon and the North Star out the window. It was just twilight and the car was moving fast - and it was just an iphone snap... but when I looked at the photo, I was amazed. The light was beautiful and the image had been stabilized by my new fancy phone. Russ called it an "instagrammable photo" - so I guess that is good. I call it a beautiful capture of an amazing moment... and I want to remember this. I have all these collections of moments, I am trying to CAPTURE and embrace and treasure... I want to drink in the sweet moments of Ellis leaning into me at dinner and giving a quick kiss to me on my cheek as she skips off to play... Margaux wrapping her little arms around my neck as I carry her through the house on my back, hearing her murmur, "I love you, Momma"... Merus, getting so big, but still little, wrapping her fingers around mine and burrowing under the covers as she drifts off to sleep, saying, "don't leave, Mom... stay with me the whole night. Stay with me as long as you can." These moments are like the photo- the perfect capture of the fleeting light, the moment in time when the 3 year old sees me as her mom, who needs love or a hug, or a quick kiss... but then when the time comes and I want to reproduce it, I can't...
It is like the moments of grace I have described before.... little momentary gifts of clarity, or kindness, or insight, or empathy- given or received. I think of these as little gifts from God, showing me beauty, reminding me that life is so amazing and that, yes - I SHOULD be practicing meditation and yoga and clean eating and gratitude and THIS MOMENT - and not the ones tomorrow or next week or the days after chemo when I have time- THIS MOMENT is the time to practice and believe in HEALING... Don't delay life, don't delay belief, don't procrastinate the healing that needs to be done... Start doing it, start believing RIGHT NOW.
Stay tuned... I myself am not even sure I can do all that. We will see.
Right now, then, I am grateful for a warm bed, a quiet house, a new nightcap to keep my ears warm- and love... always love that sustains me from the inside.
xoxoxo