Day 31
I have been EXPERIENCING LIFE on overdrive... It has been the Thanksgiving holiday. My family has been here. I shopped and prepped and cooked and cooked...
and then I ate, and cleaned and slept and ate again. We al did. It was a blast.
In the house, it looks like Christmas "threw up everywhere", and we had a family trip to go get the tree.
We have spent hours, stringing lights and carefully placing ornaments. My bird tree is up. The BIG tree is up and adorned with all my years of ornaments and pictures and sweetness. Today, we went to the movies. I have been gorging myself on all the food that I have kept myself from these last 2 months... and I am JUST SO HAPPY to have my taste returning after the last bout of chemo.
I am full. I am full of food. Full of happiness. Full of family and laughter and delight in watching the girls revel in the lights and sounds and rituals of holiday. My heart and my tummy and my spirit is full.... and I am so glad.
But I am tired, too. I am tired of the grind... tired of wearing hats, to cover my nearly bald head.... tired of worrying about what I eat and if it's ok and what I should do.... tired of feeling guilt when I DO eat and tired of feeling deprived when I don't. These last few days, having the hours blur together, I have not written and it feels odd not to... but it has been a tiny escape too. I LIKED not thinking about (whispers in a hushed tone again), "cancer" all the time. I liked not thinking about what I should say on here and just LIVING for a couple days.
I see, though, how I could just dive into this feeling of being FULL... and go oveboard and stuff myself... stuffing myself with food, to avoid the actual emotions that go along with sacrifice and healing. Eating has always been one of my ways to get numb... to NOT feel... to NOT see the damage that I inflict on myself when things do not go well. I SEE how I could so easily go overboard on indulging, and slide back into eating to numb.. eating in an unhealthy way, that does NOT serve my body well. I can see how I can so easily slide back into old patterns... letting myself fall into a CONTROLLED position, instead of me directing the show.
It is now officially the Christmas season. I still have miles to go in terms of my treatment. We counted the days between the first and last chemo sessions and it was 64 days... we are 31 in... still not even half way. I am thrilled to have Christmas and holiday upon me, to distract me and keep me busy and keep me happy.... This is my happiest time of year, because I LOVE to give and see my kids just radiate excitement.
This photo was taken 3 years ago... my sweet hubby snapped this picture Christmas day, after we had all opened and eaten and snuggled and laughed all day. The lights were just right and the babies were agreeable.... Big Sis was hunched next to them, trying to help. It was a tiny moment... but one I will remember my entire life, because in that one moments, it was all perfect.
There is nothing really perfect at all, anymore. Probably, that moment was not perfect either... but I can't remember what wasn't. I just remember love and awe that I was mother to these three beautiful humans. I had fear, yes... mostly that something might happen to them. I had a great fear back then, of one of them dying. But I never feared for me. It never occurred to me that I would face this .... I am doing ok. Amazing, actually. But I still wouldn't wish this on anyone.
My heart is full... but I am also struggling with the fatigue of the long race. I am grateful to be here- but I am being completely honest when I say I am hoping for this journey to be complete. I also know, sadly, that it will never entirely complete for me... that I will continue to massage and palpate my breasts and armpits, catching my breath each time I find a little something... so I just have to continue to believe we are doing the right thing, to give me many healthy more years.