Day 27
I have an unwritten rule... I have NEVER allowed Christmas decorations in the house before Thanksgiving. I have always LOVED Thanksgiving... I love the family aspect, the focus on togetherness and good food and tradition. ALWAYS, the day AFTER Thanksgiving, we could focus on Christmas, but before that, nary a Christmas decoration would be found...
... until now.
This year, I am sentimental. This year, I am seeing the excitement in little girls' eyes, and a flash and a sparkle when they talk about Santa and the Elf (Freddy should be on his way...) This year, as I feel I am in a battle, fighting to live and to love and to be, I feel like I want to invite the magic in just a tiny bit early. Last night, before bed, while the girls were getting their last gasps of play in before bed, I took little Ellis' hand and told her I wanted her to to help me with the "little tree". Last year, I got them a little tree, to have in the hallway, outside their rooms. It is pretty, with tiny ornaments and simple white lights. Ellis and I assembled it quickly and then in came Margaux and Merus, and soon, we were hanging ornaments and Daddy was playing Christmas music on the home speaker radio. It took only a minute, and they were sharing ornaments and climbing on the table and my heart was bursting with happiness... I clicked off the lights, so we could all appreciate the twinkling beauty and Russ looked meaningfully at me, and asked, "Is this what you wanted?"
Such a big question...
And in simple terms, Yes... Yes, yes, this is what I want. I want light and twinkling and beauty. He snapped a picture with his iPad and when I looked at it later, YES, this is what I want. Joy and wonder, innocence and sweetness, childlike awe at the beauty of being and giving and loving together... and the presents... They know there are going to be presents and they just cannot wait to see them.
I am 6 days post chemo today. I feel better - I went for a walk and even though my tummy hurt before dinner, I feel less weak and less nauseous. I am focusing on being STRONG and feeling the JOY of being with my children and husband and my mom and dad are here too.
If you look in my eyes, there is a sparkle. It is joy. It is gratitude for what I have RIGHT NOW... it is a love so big that it is illuminating me from the inside and it is an endless, insatiable love for my three amazing, brilliant, bossy and hilarious, sweet and lovely little girls, who made me a mother and who make me crazy and who melt me every day.
I am so lucky to have this life. I am NOT lucky to have cancer- but if cancer can give me this, I will take it and treasure this and then kindly ask cancer to move aside, because I have LOTS more living to do.
Thankful to have Thanksgiving upon us...
(but sooooo excited to start our Christmas....)
xoxo