Day 25
I went walking with a friend today. I was anxious and stressed and starting to feel sickly today. We had planned to have the girls go to Grandma's today, but I was feeling sad, shipping them off. I was feeling sad, that I was in this terrible situation, where I am sick, and I cannot even take care of my own kids... and feeling sorry for myself and feeling sad as I dropped them off. It was a brisk 40 degrees and right when I was leaving, my stomach started doing flips and the Miralax and Colace and Probiotics all kicked in...
It finally got cold here.... So I bundled up and wore 3 shirts and two pairs of pants and my fluffy pom-pom hat... (winter is coming soon...) and some gloves.
Anyway- I got to her house, and had tears streaming down my face the whole way while I was driving to her... but the moment I walked out of my car, I KNEW it was going to be ok. Crying or not, hair or not, we would walk and talk and BE together... and she didn't care about my hair or my scars or my tears... she just wanted to be with me. And it healed a broken part of me today.
I don't always feel broken... but today, I did. I felt broken by the scars, broken by the cancer and the fear and the waiting and the chemo and the YUCK and the guilt of shipping my kids away. I felt broken by the loneliness and broken by the hat, that keeps slipping over my eyes and over my ears, so I can't really hear... and then broken as I run my hand over my head and all I feel is fuzz.
I walked and we talked and I pumped my tired body to keep up with her long legs, and we chatted about work and husbands and food and crying and we told each other that we were both amazing... and it was only an hour, but it changed something in me and I was able to come home and sit on the couch and eat a plate of eggs and watch a tv show and go on with my quiet day...
... and it is ok.
Life goes on. My kids will still love me tomorrow when they come home from Grandma's. I will keep going, and will walk again and I will savor another day and HOPE that I will be ok... and I will write and think and be and talk and love my husband... and it is ok...
It will all be ok.
I just have to keep reminding myself.