Day 14
The day after the election, and the world was shocked. Donald Trump was elected president last night and it seems, no one thought that was even a remote possibility. The shockwaves going through the country today made it a somber day. He campaigned by mocking disabled people. He was a misogynist in his past and brushed it off, saying it was 'nothing' and 'locker room talk'. A man that spent years doing anything and everything he liked at any time, no matter the consequences, was elected president today and the world spent today digesting the news.
I spent today at home, quiet. I took the girls to school late - and spent the early morning snuggling on the couch. I got home and made chicken salad. I noticed my hair falling out in clumps today- and this made me sad. Somber about my situation. I am going to look like a cancer patient soon. I feel so well and healthy currently, and I know that is how I look from the outside too. But the loss of my hair - and not just a haircut either - that signifies something.... I know it's not a huge deal.... but well, it still stinks.
Tonight, I went to a work meeting. I am preparing to go back to work on Friday this week. It was a mundane meeting... but it was nice to see everyone and to feel like I was a part of something again. It also felt entirely foreign, like I was in a different world... underwater, almost... looking at myself in a previous life - thinking I didn't really belong there right now. I volunteered to be on call for Christmas and they shut me down. They couldn't "count on me to be ok".... and this also - was quite sobering. I understand, actually. It is better to plan for me NOT to be ok, than to plan for me to be great - and then have me sick and have to cancel and have them have no one for coverage. I was just feeling so strong and confident today - doing my diet and taking my hour and a half walk... but again, tonight, I was reminded that this cancer is not over, not gone, not yet defeated... and that even if I do succeed, I will be forever changed by this... forever scarred and never invincible again.
I am changed - but I am not less. I am scarred - but this just marks me as a woman who has battled and emerged from the battle to continue to live on.
This too, shall pass.