Day 12
I realized today, as I was driving with Russ to St. Louis, I am dreading the return to my "normal life"... I am worried about the stress and the running and the feeling of being exhausted and like, I cannot ever get it all done. I am worried about lapsing back into a life where I am zooming around all the time and trying like a mad woman to get it all done... I then, realized, that with all of this time away, I have relished STILLNESS. I have slowed down, quieted my mind, listened to my body and become much more STILL in my every day. Some of this was necessary. I had a major surgery and I had to recover and rest and lie down and let my body heal. But I have also been listening to my soul, to my heart - and I have been still, trying to understand what they are saying. I have been praying, and listening to God speak in the wind and the trees and in the leaves falling and in my daughter's laughter - and God is speaking to me through the stillness, saying 'Don't forget'... 'Practice this'. BE WITH THE QUIET.
I had a revelation today. When I am calm, and when I am not angry or frustrated or yelling or zooming or worried or PUSHING, then my kids are happy and sweet and there are less meltdowns and fewer tears and we are all so much happier. I thought hard about what I can do to continue to be in this mindset, even when I do go back to work.
Put down the phone.
Listen to her requests.
Acknowledge she is speaking. Acknowledge her fears, worries, concerns, requests.
Be gentle, but be firm.
Play with her - and all of them - on the floor.
Have dance parties.
Have meals, at the table, all together, with the TV off.
BE CALM. Take a breath and count to 10 and REMEMBER they are still little, even the big one. When I am getting ready to yell, STOP - don't yell... crouch down and look in her eyes and say, "Mommy is listening, sweetie.... I know."
When in doubt, pick her up and hold her close and tell her that she is amazing and brilliant and strong and a great runner and that she is beautiful on the inside and the outside too.
Tell her 'Mommy loves you to the moon' a thousand times every day.
Say "I am sorry" when I should and MEAN IT.
I am working on doing all of those things. I am working on being a better person, a MORE PRESENT mother, a more balanced and STILL human, every day. I value the quiet, the peace, the rest more than I have ever before. I am going to find a way to make stillness more a part of my every day - a new normal. I think it will be good for us ... for all of us. I am making a promise to myself, that when this cancer journey is over, that the commitment to self, to introspection, to BEING with the quiet, is still there...