Day 11
We camped! We got there and took little hikes and made a fire. The girls ran and ran and I got in y rocking chair, like I had envisioned. I put the phone away and enjoyed the sunset and the time away. I specifically and intentionally STRAYED away from a specific diet, from restrictions, from feeling like I "shouldn't" or "couldn't"... I had hot dogs and Doritos and a glorious fire-roasted marshmallow in a s'more. We sat by the fire and I held my daughters in my lap and we looked at the stars and we sang silly campfire songs... and then they got tired, and they ran back to the cabin and they wanted to stay with Grandma.
So Merus and I went to bed at 9:30... we snuggled and laid together and I fell asleep early. I woke with a start at around 11:30, though... all the sugar and crazy food was rumbling in my belly.... and so I stayed up late, scrolling on my phone. I was actually a little lonely. I missed the girls inside the cabin.
Finally, after long hours of insomnia, I slept. We woke and had a lovely morning of a long hike and sun, We came home and spent the rest of the Sunday getting ready for our week.
Tomorrow, the girls go back to school... to their routine. On Friday this week, I go back to work. Wednesday night, I have a meeting at work. Pretty soon, my hair is going to start falling out. It feels right now, that I was just on a little vacation. - a vacation that involved surgery and some chemo... but time home with my family has been so precious. Tomorrow, I feel like I have to get back into "normal life"- but I don't feel normal. I am changed... and yes, some of this has been a great gift... but I am still struggling with my diet... with denial... with the sacrifices I have had to make and the sacrifices still to be made. I am not ready... I am not ready to just pretend that I am ok. In such an incredibly strong way, I want to just go on and not talk about it - and to just move along and BE ok.... but my body is not really ok. My mind is not really ok. I still cry at the drop of a hat. I am still terrified that the 4 mini candy bars I had tonight are going to make my cancer come back.
I am already worried about trying to get the girls ready for school, and get myself ready for work, and get our lives back to where they were and how can I go back to that life where I was so exhausted and just hanging on by a thread and somehow, just barely, getting by and doing it... That's not how I want things to be, in the future. I want us to do things well, easily. I want it to NOT be a struggle to get kids to school, to get myself to work, to have a job and to do my work and have my balance in life.
Sunday night is usually hustle night. Clean the house, recover from the weekend, get the uniforms ready, prep the backpacks. Tonight, I am feeling the pressure again, where for the last 6 weeks, I have felt free of that. I see here - and opportunity for change. I see how I can make this better... I see how I must.