A.C.- November

It is November. It is unseasonably cold here. Usually, before Thanksgiving, we still have warm days and cool nights and we don't really need jackets. We have had hard frosts and the leaves on the trees are clinging only by their dried up stems, waiting for a firm wind gust to swoop them down to earth. I have been still struggling internally. I am fighting myself every day to get CONTROL again. I am so quick tempered right now. I fly off the handle at the girls all the time, and I am so so regretful afterwards. I have no idea why I get so triggered and angry - and I wish I could just stop it. But for some reason, when no one listens and I have to say something for the 457th time to get everyone dressed or in the car or to the dinner table, I want to scream. The dog enrages me too, when he is chewing and biting and running wild through the house. I cannot stand all the mayhem, I guess... and I just want everything to stop for a moment and be still... and nothing ever does.

I am also completely out of control with my eating. I did so well right after my diagnosis... like food was the enemy and the cause of my cancer - so I didn't even care what I was eating, because I just wanted to survive. Well, here I am - SURVIVING- and I can't stop eating Twix bars and cookie dough and fresh hot biscuits and Taco Bell for dinner. It feels awful to eat this way, but I am a slave to my taste buds it seems. I just WANT it, despite what it is doing to my body chemistry and mid-section. It is HIGH TIME I got back in control of this... and I really need to get a grip and not resent the changes as deem them as deprivation, but to CHOOSE to make healthy choices and look at it as a gift to my body and my life. Fat chance... (haha! Pun intended)... but seriously - I NEED TO DO THIS.

The other thing I am enjoying these days is my little shampoo business. I somehow got sucked in to joining a multi-level marketing group selling SHAMPOO, of all things. I had so many people commenting on my hair all the time, I decided to join in and make a little side business off of it. I am still kind of mystified why I did this - but I am enjoying actually, talking about hair and helping other people feel better. It is so much less pressure to talk hair and moisture vs. volume... It is fun to get people excited about the products and to get people signing up to sell and make a difference for their lives and their families. I KNOW that someone is going to make it big with this stuff. It just seems that if I keep going, it will be something that takes on a life of its own... that is the beauty of Facebook and this pyramid scheme of business. If you build a good foundation, the legs start to take off and build and build. But WHY am I doing this? It really isn't for money... I am probably spending more than I am making. Is it for friends? I am not really making REAL FRIENDS doing this... maybe I am talking to my real life friends a bit more... but not THAT MUCH more. I still am not sure. I enjoy it though... and for now, instead of me spending money and time on kids' clothes, I am talking shampoo. It takes my mind off cancer. Off dying. Off worrying and angst-ing over all the things I cannot control. It's just another way to stretch and grow and try to find my way in the world, wearing yet another hat...

I am excited for the holidays. It is always fun for me to plan special days and events for the kids. I am thinking this year will be amazing for the girls... we are doing the Polar Express again and the hotel night is going to be epic. I am beyond excited about this.

So once again, I am in the doctor's lounge at the hospital. Time to go work, so I can get my work done and go home. I am going to make some yummy chicken for dinner... and TOMORROW - I start (again) to find some balance in my eating, body puzzle. Tonight, maybe a hot bath and some Bailey's.

Grateful for this life, even though I am a real bitch right now. I am practicing noticing and enjoying the small things. For these next few months, here it to hoping I can chill out and find my zen and not be so HOT and VOLATILE and quick to fly off the handle. Praying for my sanity... for some serenity... for some peace. I know I am blessed. I just have to SEE IT EVERY MOMENT... even in the hard ones.

xoxo