A.C.- January Chill and the Flu

Last January sucked for me... I was so sick and I just finished chemo. This January, I have been ok, but last weekend, sweet little Margaux woke up on Saturday and had a fever to 102. She settled in on the couch with her milk just after waking and within 4 minutes, she had vomited it all up. Her little blue eyes were watery and sad, and I just KNEW she had the flu. I bundled her up and took her in to Express Care. It was the first time it was just her and me together, and she held my hand tight and kept telling me that she was "... a little scared, Momma" I hated that she was sick, but I so loved the time together. We sat in the room and she drew people on the exam table paper. She was sick enough to feel bad, but I was so happy that wasn't SO sick that she wasn't able to be curious and to look around. She tolerated the flu swab like a champ and before the control came back, the nurse came in told me, "Influenza A." We got our scripts, enough for the whole family, and off we went, dropping the lot of them at Walgreens and then home for couch time and iPads and naps. Thank GOODNESS, we all made it through and Tamiflu saved us all. The girls were able to get their Tamiflu down mixed in with yogurt and Merus even learned to swallow a pill (further proof that she is finally growing up...)

The flu was not nearly as bad as it could have been... and for that I am so grateful... but I am just over January and winter and being inside. I am stretched thin with all the things I am doing and work and life and kids and cleaning up Christmas has me all stressed out. What I am spending time on is trying to clean up... clean up my body, cleaning up my closets, cleaning my house and our life and decluttering... and what I am managing to do, is to be stressed about not having enough time to do any of that. I am spending a lot of time talking about shampoo. I am spending a lot of time THINKING about health and exercise and my future in my body... but it is time to DO it... to make my health and my life a PRIORITY and not be lazy and not let time just go by.

This morning, on the way to school, I did my best not to get frustrated with the girls. They are just doing what I am letting them do. I am in charge of how things go in the morning... and I practiced this morning being INTENTIONAL about my words and what we needed to get done. We still were a bit late... BUT, I didn't yell. Everyone was dressed and cute and had socks and shoes on. They had breakfast on the road. On our ride, I told them I wanted to try and talk every morning about what we are thankful for. I told them I was so incredibly grateful for being a mom to three girls... and how lucky I felt to be able to spend time with Merus driving her to school when she was little, and how I loved being able to drive them to school now. Margaux told me she was grateful for school... that she just LOVED school... and Ellis told me that she was thankful for Mom and Dad and Merus and Grandma and Grandpa, oh, and Margaux too. Holy smokes... such a jolt of sweetness, just by being intentional and practicing gratitude. I am going to do this every morning from now on.

Margaux asked me too, after we did our gratitudes, "Mom, when you were little like me, did your dream come true?" I was taken aback ~ what a mature question from such a little girl. I told her that being a mom was my dream come true, but that was not good enough for her. She wanted to know more... what ELSE was my dream? I told her that yes, my dream came true and worked hard and I was so lucky to be able to become a doctor to help people. She nodded, and then said, "Momma, my dream is to become a dancer". How simple and how beautiful. I said, "Margaux honey, that is a great dream. The first step in getting that dream to come true is getting you in dance lessons. Does that sound good?" Those big blue eyes looked at me and we locked eyes in the rearview mirror. "Yes, Momma". And so it is done. We will be shopping for dance lessons this summer. Ellis is partial to being a "gymnastics" girl - and we are doing that already, every Tuesday.

The point of this all, that I see, these little girls know what they want. They know that they want to dance and tumble. They know that they love school (Margaux) and their family (Ellis). They know that when they go to the store, they want a toy and they want their iPads on the couch. I know that I am responsible for placing the limits and doing the guidance and encouraging their little hearts and minds to grow in a healthy way... I am just so thrilled to hear that they have dreams... that they have strong opinions. I hate to be the one to squash them sometimes, like in the store, this last weekend, when they were insufferable and both cried non-stop for a toy, and we had to say no. But secretly, on the inside, I am so proud of how strong they are and what voices they are developing. I will miss these days, when they no longer beg for a toy every time... when they are buried in their lives and their phones and their studies and their friends. I am so thrilled to be a witness, today, to the beginning of them becoming...

So too, I must continue to work on my own BECOMING. I am 48, nearly 49. It is high time that I figure it out... working on that, I guess. A work in progress always.