A.C. - January 2018. A new start

I guess I should be throwing confetti and blowing those gazoo-thingy blowers they hand out at kid birthday parties. I can tell you, I didn't celebrate at all. It had been a long week of being on call, and then a hair party that flopped and then a 36 hour out-and-back to Chicago (which thankfully, was a blast)... and then there we were, New Year's Eve at home, with tired kids and frigid temps and somehow, me pissing off my husband... and I had had enough. 10:30 pm and my plans for keeping the kids up and watching the ball drop and singing in Happy New Year went down the toilet and I just put everyone to bed and fell asleep in Merus' bed at 11. New Year's Day and I was exhausted and sad and nostalgic for easier days. I still have presents to wrap for my brother's family coming and I have a roomful of clothes that need to be donated or sold and I can't even bear to do that. I am overweight and depressed and tired of how I have neglected my body and again, turned to food to drown out my feelings and my fears. I feel ugly and old and awful and I am just sad... sad that I have this weird body that still feels foreign to me... sad that I had crappy cancer in the first place... sad that it is an actual epidemic and I keep hearing more stories and seeing more people struggling with this awful disease that intrudes on our lives as we are just trying to mind our own business and raise our kids and be good people. I am ready for a change, and yet, I keep doing the same things and feeling the same way. I MUST find a way to do something new... to CLEAN HOUSE, so to speak. In real terms, my house needs a deep clean in the worst way. In metaphorical terms, so does my spirit, my attitude, and my body. How can I begin to CLEAN all this clutter and become more FREE and more happy and so much LIGHTER???? That is my goal. It is not a resolution, really. It is more of a necessity. What if the damn cancer comes back? Will I be content to know that I lived as hard and as well as I could? If last year's LIFE is any indication, then the answer is a resounding NO. I was angry. I was short with my kids and my husband. I yoyo-ed in the worst way with food and my weight and my exercise and I failed and failed and failed so many time. I could weep with the shame of how many times I yelled at my kids, just because I have no patience and they were screaming at each other... and instead of helping them and being the mom who can turn the situation around so we end with laughter, I screamed louder and made them cry.... and then the guilt would wash over me and wreck my entire day. I could just crumble in the corner, thinking of how I just gave up on fitness and nutrition and at my way through November and December, trying to numb the hunger for SPIRIT and CONNECTION and LOVE with cookies and chocolate and bread... and how my poor body just went along for the ride, getting bigger and bigger to shoulder all of that sadness and fury. My poor poor body. Once again, how I have abused you... and now, to pick up the pieces again... and try to repair the damage.

Yesterday, I ate sensibly. I exercised for almost an hour. I felt BETTER and I realized, I CAN DO BETTER. I simply must choose it. I must choose it in every hour and in every moment and I can CHOOSE it at each meal time and it is not actually that hard. I MUST DO BETTER. I deserve to do better.

I believe that if I take BETTER care of my body, my mind will follow and maybe, just maybe, I can heal some of the bitterness and anger and rage that simmers below the surface. I am starting NOW. I am declaring that I am more valuable and more important than a cookie and that I DESERVE to make myself a priority for me again ... AGAIN, I do this. AGAIN, I have been down the rabbit hole and AGAIN, I am climbing out and finding my way and figuring out the new landscape of health, since everything has changed since I have been here last.

I DECLARE TO MYSELF THAT I AM IMPORTANT AND THAT I AM CLEANING HOUSE, INSIDE and OUT. I can do it... I will do this. I must do this, for my own sake, but also for the sake of my family and my future.

I will check back, and hold myself accountable. It will be a transformation... in a profound way. We will just have to see it to believe it, but I BELIEVE. I do and I can and I will. (... making this my mantra... I do and I can and I will... I do and I can and I will)...

SO off I go, into the world, doing my DO and showing myself that I CAN and just DOING it... off I go. You just wait and see what happens.